Reflecting

(copied from MD)

posted 9/16/2006 2:38:21 PM

Today as I was sitting in line at the car wash, I found myself reflecting on past relationships. Yes, I know that's an odd place and time to be thinking about relationships... but sometimes my brain doesn't stop to realize that there might have been a better time and place to reflect! lol As I was sitting there watching the truck in front of me being sprayed with soap, it occurred to me that most if not all of my past relationships were relationships that caused me more stress and heartache then true happiness... so why did I stay? Why did I feel that they were "THE ONE" the person I HAD TO HAVE in my life???? Have you ever noticed how you think you are happy with a relationship that you probably know deep down inside isn't going to work? But for some reason you cling to it... you try everything you can to make it work... even though you know it's not meant to be? You know the person your with isn't the one for you? For a year I "fought" to make my last relationship work. I realize that I was fighting against myself, the part that knew I should have bailed a long time ago the part that already knew it wasn't working and he wasn't the one for me... but being stubborn and bull-headed I kept trying to put things back together...I've moved on since then... even clinging to the "we are friends" thing isn't important anymore.. that might have to do with him never being there when I truly need a friend... which was always part of the problem anyway.. never there when I needed him... So I found myself wondering why did my past relationships, even my marriage not work? And more importantly what did they have in common??? The answer to that would be type of man.... I think part of the problem... besides lack of communication... was these men brought me more stress and aggrivation then comfort, support and encouragement. With my marriage.. I always felt I couldn't ask him or expect him to do anything other then work and relax while I worked full-time, cleaned, cooked, laundry, and took care of cutting the grass etc. I started to build up a huge "hatred" towards him because he wouldn't cut the grass.. but did I ever ask? NO (did I mention stubborn and bull-headed????) because I felt he should offer to do it because he was the MAN! All the while he thought I was cutting the grass because I enjoyed it! <------- HUGE lack of communication!!!!!!!! In all of my relationships... I was always the one to be there for them when things went wrong in their lives.. I was always the one to be the strong one and support, encourage and comfort... even if it meant sacrificing a part of me to help them. But each time I needed that support, comfort and encouragement... I had to look to my friends for the things I wasn't getting from my "signifigant other" but yet.... I still clung to them like I couldn't live without them. In my reflecting state I came to the understanding that I do not want that kind of relationship anymore. I do not want the man that can not be strong enough to handle my problems as well as his own. I do not want the man that can not be supportive of me or encourage me... I do not want the man that can not call when he says he will or can not follow through on what he promised. I do not want the man that makes me feel like I have to sacrifice myself in order to make him happy. I guess that means I want the man that calls when he says, does what he promises, encourages me, comforts me, supports me and treats me well. Who can be there through good and bad... and never bail because he's scared to love. Who doesn't expect me to give up my happiness in order to make him happy. 24/7 while I silently suffer... When I say I was treated badly in past relationships, I do not mean physically... but I can say that I was never given the "emotional" side of things... when you go so long without that sort of thing it's kind of hard to "re-program" your brain to accept that kind of treatment from someone and not think it's a put on... but I'm getting there... and I'm getting there because I have someone willing to show me that not everyone is selfish or out to get whatever they can for themselves and to heck with the other person.... So usually when you reflect you compare... right? Well if I compare my past to my present I have to say that "Lotion Boy" is most definately a HUGE step in the right direction....It still amazes me when the phone rings when he says he'll call... I know this is something so small and inconsequential to some... but to me is a HUGE deal, and means more to me then I could ever explain.